The battle in my head, that is. I am now 11 weeks post-op and walking on two feet… in two shoes. It was such a liberating feeling getting that boot off! Maybe one of the happiest days of my life! Well… definitely in the top 20.
So why the battle, I’m sure you’re wondering. My doctor has stressed to me that the 6-12 week window is the biggest risk for rerupture. I’ve tried to remember that. However, once that boot came off and knowing I’m so close to being out of that window, I’ve had a really hard time holding back.
The first week without my boot I had to work a summer STEM camp. This was my first real experience with a lingering pain and swelling through all this. As the week went on, my limp seemed to get worse… as did the swelling.
Finding the right shoes to wear is complicated! I’ve tried cushioned flip flops since I don’t have to worry about it rubbing my Achilles… that didn’t work. I tried my cushioned Asics…. that didn’t work. I even tried my crossfit shoes… um, no. It was gong to swell and hurt no matter what. I guess that’s all to be expected.
My recovery has gone amazingly well. I credit that to having a rockstar orthopedic surgeon and staying active throughout my entire recovery. I hear other people talking about being the same weeks out as me and still not being able to walk without crutches. I ditched those things as soon as I could.
The battle comes in because I feel like I can try so much more and do so much more than I was. But where’s the line? Then there’s the fear. I’m terrified of rerupture or worse… rupturing the other one. It’s so scary to me and I don’t know where that point is of should I do it or should I not? I know I listen to my body more. When it hurts, I rest. When it’s sore, I rest. If it swells, I try to rest. I’m having to buy giant bags of ice at the gas station because I’m using so much!
There just that longing to get back where I want to be. Pain free, doing the things I love like crossfit, hiking, running… it’s defeating sometimes. I’ve struggled a lot lately. Lots of tears. Then I get so mad at myself for feeling that way. It’s only temporary. I’ve got to keep that mindset.
I’ve celebrated a lot of firsts in my training over the last three months. I finally got back on those high rings which are my nemesis. However, I find myself wanting to be up there daily now since I missed them! I got an RX in a wod with my fellow athletes again. That felt good. Kinda makes me feel a little normal to workout with everyone again. I’ve been on my own for so long.
I know this is a long process. I have to remind myself all the time it’s 6-12 months for a full recovery. So my goal… compete in a scaled comp at 6 months. I may not be able to meet that goal, but it gives me time and it gives me something to work towards.
In the meantime, I’m sure this battle will be ongoing, but I refuse to let it get the best of me. There’s something kind of gratifying in each little step I make towards recovery so I’ll try to keep my mind focusing on the good.