No one wants to start over

I was so excited for the open. I had goals and this one was on the top of my list- compete in the open and RX every workout. But then the rest is history. 

My redo of 17.2 before rupturing my Achilles’ tendon.

It’s hard not to be bitter, although I am trying to stay positive. I’ve worked so hard to be where I was before getting injured. I’d met so many goals that I’d set for myself since last May. Now, I sit looking at posts from all my friends and crossfitters on IG and it’s hard not to feel crushed. 

Why do I have to start all over?

 Why do I have to go through all of it again? 

How am I going to meet my goals now? 

Yeah, I know. Woe is me, right? ๐Ÿ™„ Trust me… I’m getting on my own nerves. 

Contrary to what a lot of people want to think about me… I could care less about being better than other people. Ever since I started crossfit, it’s been me against me. I always want to be better than I was. I set a goal for myself and I do what needs to be done to meet it. I even struggled during the open because I wanted to repeat every workout, even when I thought my results were good. I just felt I could do better. I am a pretty determined chic. I go after what I want and I won’t stop until I get it. I’ll put in the time, the sweat, the hard work… I don’t need anyone to push me because I will push myself, but I have to admit I feel a little defeated now. 

It’s going to be hard going into this knowing I can’t do what I was doing. That I’m starting all over in some areas and it will be harder than it was before. It’s going to take time and as I’ve said a million times before, I’m not a patient person. 

To be completely honest, and this is hard for me to admit, but I feel pretty alone. Injury sucks. It sucks to have to sit out a few weeks or even a month. However, when you’re told it may take 6 months to a year to be back to your normal self, it’s a bit gut-wrenching. Most people know how much I love to compete and competition after competition keeps coming up on my Facebook feed. I can’t compete right now. I don’t know when I’ll be able to compete again. Hell… I don’t know IF I’ll be able to compete again. Its really hard to relate to everyone you work out with… while they are excited about making gains and new pr’s, I’m trying to not stress out over all the gains I’m losing and pr’s that I may not see again for a really long time. That’ a hard reality to face.

Reindeer Rampage with my partner in crime, Christine

And while I’m so ready to get back in the box to train, I have no clue where to start.  Everything needs modifying and I’m so used to knowing exactly what to do when I walk in. I’m going to need help and we all know I’m not good about that either! Lol. It’s overwhelming to say the least. 

So as the open comes to its end, I imagine how I would have done on the last two workouts. I plan on doing them when I’m healed and I can… Just to say I did them all. I will continue to cheer on the athletes in my box and watch them do the things I wish I could. It gives me pleasure to see people meet their own goals and I’ve enjoyed cheering for and pushing my friends through a lot of these workouts.

Cheering on and judging for my friends while I sat out the last two workouts of the open.

I do see the good in this though… it’s forcing me to step back and evaluate what I was doing and how effective it was. It’s making me reevaluate my goals and how to approach them in a healthier way. It’s forced me to listen to my body and not be obsessive about it. I have to rest. My body needs it to heal. 

I’ll definitely have a new perspective when I walk in the box to train next time. Talk about an ego check. Injury will checkmate that ego and shut it down for good.  Meeting my goals before was big and I was proud of myself when I did… but meeting my new goals will mean so much more because of where I was, where I am now, and where I plan to be on this long journey ahead. 

*P.S. Pity party is over… a friend reminded me that they aren’t that much fun anyway. ๐Ÿ˜˜ 


Pain, pain go away… come again, no wait… just go away!

They say three days out of surgery tends to be the hardest. I hope that’s right because today sucks. I always thought I had a high tolerance for pain, but geez. I kinda feel like a big baby.

I woke up this morning to an intense pain and throbbing that went from my Achilles all the way up my calf. That meant my nerve block was no longer working. Man, that nerve block was great! I felt nothing the day of and after my surgery. It was wonderful. Of course, it came lose a day early. Just my luck. 

I took out the catheter since it wasn’t numbing my leg. A friend of mine that’s a nurse said better to take it out than risk infection. I do NOT want an infection or anything else that’s going to make this process harder. 

The worst part… I. Feel. Disgusting. I want to take a bath or a shower. I want to change my clothes. I want to feel clean. So I ventured upstairs. Yeah, you heard me. I went up the stairs for the first time. I don’t think I’ll be doing that again soon unless I can take a bath. That was terrible. Before surgery, I’d hop myself right up there because it was no problem and my Achilles didn’t really hurt. This time I thought I’d vomit every time I took a hop. 

But I did change my clothes, put on some lotion and deodorant, brushed my teeth, and put on a little makeup. These are the little things we take for granted. I felt a lot better after that. And the trip down the stairs was not nearly as bad as going up the steps. 

I’m digging the scooter, too. Holy cow. If you have a foot or leg injury… you need this in your life! I was lucky enough to find someone that let me borrow theirs and it is a God send! And don’t think for a second I care if you call me an old granny on this thing. Shew, I’m an OG ridin’ dirty! 

What is really hard is that life doesn’t stop when your injured. My oldest son had a basketball tournament out of town this weekend so my husband had to be the driver for everything- taking kids places, getting groceries, running errands, spending the weekend going back and forth from Louisville. Sucks not being able to drive and how this is going to work for 12 weeks is beyond me. I absolutely hate missing out on their stuff. I’m hoping by next weekend I’ll be able to venture out to watch them play. We’ll see. 

In the meantime, I’ve watched more tv this week than I have all year. I’m halfway through the season of Stranger Things and I’m almost done reading Don’t you Cry. I have downloaded so many games on my phone it’s ridiculous. Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat have been distractions but are now getting boring, too. 

However, I am so blessed with all the people in my life. So many have called, texted, messaged, brought food, snacks, movies… you name it! The people who truly care about you are always there when you need them most. And while I absolutely hate for people to spend their time and energy on me, it is very much appreciated. 

So I have forced myself to rest and will continue to do so for the next two weeks. I’m going to take it easy, try not to overdo things, and make sure my wound heals so the stictches can come out and I get my cast before going back to work. I think then I’ll feel a lot more comfortable about going back to my normal life of work, kids’ games, crossfit, and maybe a night out… a night out: ah, that sounds good. ๐Ÿ’ž 

Opinions are like buttholes…ย 

Errrybody’s got one. Lol. And to be honest, I could care less. Since I’ve been injured, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard, oh, I guess you’re not going to be crossfitting anymore then, huh? Um… of course I am. In fact, I plan on hitting up the box as soon as I feel comfortable about it… with my cast or boot on. 

โš ๏ธ Warning: if easily offended, you may not want to read on… 

Go ahead, call me crazy. Maybe I am. But I’m okay with that… seriously, I am and learned a long time ago not to stress over what others think about me. There are millions of other people that workout and participate in sports and exercising while injured. But aren’t you afraid of getting hurt? What can you possibly do if you can’t stand on your leg? What if you fall? 

First of all… you can’t live your life scared. If you are active in sports, running, lifting, aerobics, crossfit, you name it, your risk of injury is more than maybe the average person. But let’s look at the other side of this. What if you aren’t active, don’t exercise, and don’t live a healthy lifestyle? You are risking obesity, heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, the list goes on and on. So how is that any better?
Let’s get back to crossfitting while injured. It’s not like I’m going to walk in the box and start doing one legged burpees and box jumps. While some people are that crazy, I am not one of them. In fact, I now have a good excuse for getting out of burpees! However, my ortho has told me I can train anything as long as I follow restrictions for my right foot. So instead of power cleans, I can do light weight cleans from the knees. Instead of jerks, I can do strict presses on a box or prop my foot up on a bench and do one-legged push presses. Instead of burpees, I can do one legged push ups. Instead of wall balls, I can do them seated. Instead of running, I can row with one leg… you get the idea. One of the advantages of crossfit is everything can be adapted or modified. 

Crazy… sure, I guess, but I prefer healthy. This injury is not going to get the best of me. I refuse to let it. Working out is a passion for me. It has been since I was 15 years old. I love to see how strong I can be. It is my stress release and the one hour of the day I have to myself. Instead of sitting home and being upset or feeling sorry for myself, I choose to workout so I feel better. Can I do what I was doing? No. Do I plan on pushing myself to extremes? No. Am I going to be lifting heavy like I was? No. I just want to stay physically fit and have that outlet that makes me happy while also trying to recover. 

I plan on doing everything I am told to do during this process by my doctor and PT. I want to heal and I want to rehab quickly. I will not be the one to try and rush things. I don’t want to risk a rerupture or anything that could slow down this process. I want to eventally get back to where I was when I got injured and continue to grow and compete. In order to do that, I’ll do what I’m told no matter how much I may not want to! I just want to be healthy again. 

So here’s the deal… I hope in this process I can be a motivation and inspiration to someone else that’s fighting an injury or just needing a pick me up. I hope that I can keep my own sanity through all of this. And I hope that by blogging all this, I can look back at this journey and see the positive that came from it. 

So call me crazy. Have your own opinions. It’s okay. We are all mad here. 

A little drama and a whole lotta tears

I had my first meltdown last night. This entire time, I’ve managed to stay really positive and haven’t shed a single tear. That all changed last night. 

I’m independent to a fault. A lot of people would tell you being independent is a good thing… and it is. I can do anything I set my mind to, but it’s also a fault. I can’t stand to be told what to do. I hate having the help of others. I also hate when I can’t do what I want or go where I want. 

Yesterday was my first full day back in the classroom and it was hard! I had bruises on my hands and arms, my left leg and arms felt like they’d been through the worst workout you could imagine, and my foot was hurting more than usual. I was physically and mentally drained so I ran a bath, washed my hair, and then got ready for bed.

I walked into my bedroom and looked at my bed. There was a pile of clothes that I had folded sitting there waiting to be put into drawers. I immediately started sorting them into piles to put into drawers and as I did, I started thinking about how I was going to have to carry these to the bathroom, to my closet, and open and close drawers. Doesn’t sound like much, but when you can’t carry things and walk at the same time… it becomes a chore. I stopped sorting for a second and just stood there looking st them. The next thing I knew, I was ugly crying. 

Not sure what an ugly cry is…  check out the definition from Urban Dictionary: 

That was me… red-faced, snot running down, ugly cry. And why? Because I don’t want to put up my clothes and had a moment of weakness. Truth be told, I’d had a pretty crappy day and if I’m totally honest, I’m starting to get super nervous about surgery and recovery. I hear it’s super painful and I’m not looking forward to it. 

But it made me stop and think. I don’t have to put these clothes up right now. It can wait… and it’s okay if I let people help me. It doesn’t make me less of a mom, a teacher, or independent woman. That’s the fault of being independent again. I feel like I have to do it all, but I don’t. No one is going to think less of me for that and if they do, I probably don’t need them in my life to begin with. 

I’m sure this is my first of many meltdowns and while I saw it as a moment of weakness, it ended up becoming a moment of strength. It takes someone strong to admit they need help and can’t do it all. Those are the people who see not only their own value, but the value of others and their role in their life. 

So here’s me saying I can’t do it all now. I have an injury that is going to keep me from doing things I want to do, go places I want to go, and experience things I want to experience… but not for long. That I will make sure of. ๐Ÿ’ช๐Ÿผ

PS… I didn’t put up the clothes. I threw that crap on the floor! 

Alright already… What’s the deal with unicorns?ย 

I admit that the whole unicorn thing started as a joke between a friend and me. I referred to myself as a unicorn in a sarcastic manner when they said something ridiculous. I have a little sarcasm in me and I’m sure you’ll see it often if you keep reading my blog.

One day a few months ago, I was scrolling through Pinterest and this graphic popped up as “Picked for You.”

I love Princess Sassy Pants!

I immediately saved it and this is when I sort of embraced the unicorn. I’m an optimistic, happy person. I fully believe that you need to live life to the fullest and make every minute count. At the time when I found this graphic, I couldn’t help but feel connected to all of the “lessons” on it.

I believe in being unique. There’s more depth to those “weird,” “crazy,” “unique” people that have their own identity than those that just follow the crowd. They are comfortable with who they are. A unicorn is different… it has stands out among the ponies.

I believe that anything is possible. We are often our own limitations… we don’t believe in ourselves or believe that we can change our futures, our outcomes, our lives. We settle… a unicorn would never settle.

There’s magic inside all of us. I see it everyday. I see magic in my students that I teach. These kids can do amazing things and have amazing thoughts and ideas at only 10. They believe that anything is possible. I see magic in my own kids. They are awesome in all aspects of life… they are funny, athletic, intelligent, kind… I wish I could could do the things they can when I was their age. I see magic in my co-workers. Holy cow… you will never find harder, more dedicated people than teachers. They are unbelievable. I see magic in my family and friends. They are always giving to others, making time for one another, showing their love and friendship in so many different ways. I see magic at crossfit when people do things they have worked so hard for and never thought they could do. That’s magic… that’s a unicorn.

And sometimes, it feels like everyone is against you and no one believes in you. You feel alone, you feel defeated, and you feel like you can’t trust anyone, but it doesn’t kill you. It doesn’t defeat you. It doesn’t become you because you refuse to let it. ย That’s a unicorn.

So, embrace your inner unicorn. Be the one that stands out in the crowd, the one that doesn’t depend on others for your happiness. Instead, be the one that brings yourself and everyone around you happiness through a smile, a laugh, a praise, a compliment, or just a positive vibe that people around you can feed from. Believe that there is something big out there for you, someone you are meant to be with, people who will encourage you to fulfill your goals and chase your dreams, something purposeful that will bring meaning to your life.

That is a unicorn and that’s what I choose to be.

My unicorn, Rarity, was a gift from a co-worker that knew how to brighten my day.

The wait…ย 

I am extremely impatient. I hate waiting. I hate sitting around. Some of this is because I swear I have adult ADHD. My life is a constant whirlwind of taking kids to practices, tournaments, games, school, church… you get the idea. I never slow down because I would rather be busy and enjoy the things I love than sit around the house and watch tv. Not saying that’s wrong… just not my thing. 

So when you’re forced to stop, it’s annoying as hell! I ain’t got time fo dat! But here I am… waiting for surgery which is on Friday…. 5 whole days from today. I can’t complain, though. It’s annoying to me, but that’s all it is: an annoyance. I say that because waiting is something that’s really hard for everyone, but when it’s a life or death situation, it’s almost unbearable. 

My injury is not life or death and maybe that’s why I’m staying so positive about it. Life or death is my husband’s uncle, Joe. He’s one of the best men you can find. He’d give the shirt off his back for anyone, has the best sense of humor, and loves his family more than life itself. He suffers from pulmonary fibrosis… the same disease my father-in-law had. Think of a time you were completely out of breath and then imagine that as your every… single… day… all… day… long. That’s what he goes through. It’s so hard to watch a loved one go through this, but my family is now enduring it a second time. 

You want to know how insufferable waiting can be… talk to his family. They are all on the edge of their seats right now waiting for the call saying they have a match for a double lung transplant. I remember that feeling. It’s awful. You are watching your loved one lay there suffering wondering if that call is going to happen in time. 

Then when it does come, there’s more waiting. The surgery for a double lung transplant is hours long and feels more like weeks. Your praying to God that they are strong enough to get through that surgery, that the surgeon can make the transplant, that the new lungs take to the new body… 

I can’t complain. As annoyed as I am with waiting and being impatient, I throw myself back in those shoes. They say everything happens for a reason. I think sometimes this happened to me now so I could keep things in perspective. I’m not fighting a life or death battle. I merely have to recover from an injury that is keeping me from doing things I love. But it’s just a drop in the bucket. This guy below is fighting for his life and I pray every single second that call comes soon cause I want to spend a lot more family dinners with him, watch him pull more practical jokes, and see a lot more of that big grin of his. 

The next time you complain or feel like life has dealt you a bad hand… remember, someone else is fighting a much bigger battle than you. Appreciate the blessings you have and those bad things won’t seem so bad anymore. Prayers for Big Joe! We love you!

The pop heard ’round the world…

Okay. So I exaggerate… but that’s what it felt like. I debated that morning on whether or not I should go. I was sore and the week before I had overdone it and saw the effects of it on my open workout.

Let’s backtrack some… I am a 36 year old wife, mom of 3, teacher… and crossfitter. I found crossfit in April of 2016 and immediately got hooked. It became a passion and as I began competing, my love for it grew even more. I went 5-6 days a week and fed off of my quick success. I got pretty good… fast.

So when the registration for the 2017 CrossFit Open opened up, I was the first one to sign up in my box. I had no expectations other than to try and RX every workout I could. The first three workouts… I did just that. It wasn’t until week 2 that I actually looked at the Leaderboards. I just wanted to see how I compared to women my age in Kentucky, where I live. To my surprise… I was 13th! 

That brings us to the pop heard around the world… it was week 4 of the Open. Wednesday morning, my alarm went off at 5 am as usual. I laid there in my bed doing the daily debate: 

Do I really want to get up and workout? 

Yes, you have to.

Get up. 

But I’m sore. 

Push through. 

It’s cold out. 

You have a sweatshirt...

You know that battle that goes on in your head! But I decided to go. I had taken a rest day the day before and the workout was a good cardio metcon. I rolled outta bed, put on my workout clothes, fixed up my preworkout, and headed out the door. 

The metcon was 1 min DB snatches, 1 min shuttle run, 1 min rest. Then 1 min deadlifts, 1 min row for cal, 1 min rest. I was on round 2 and was RX+ the snatches. I felt good and my first round of reps were high. I was determined to maintain the pace I started. I took off on the second round of shuttle runs… 25 ft to the tape and back… 25 ft to the tape… as I turned to head back, I heard it. A loud POP and it felt like someone threw a DB at the back of my foot. I quickly turned around to see what I hit. There was nothing. Nothing at all.  I took another step on my right foot- I felt nothing and collapsed. That’s when the pain shot up my calf. I grabbed my foot where my Achilles’ tendon is and knew. 

My coach came running when she realized I was on the ground rolling around moaning. All I could say was “I have no Achilles!” It was mush. Now, I know right now you’re feeling the back of your ankle to see what your Achilles’ tendon feels like. Now imagine instead of feeling the tension of the tendon there… your finger just keeps moving into your heel. Yeah… ๐Ÿ˜ท 

My best friend and I workout together most of the time and thank God she was there! It’s all a bit of a blur now, but she called my husband, got all my stuff and before I knew it, my fellow athletes and coach were walking me to the car and she was driving me to the ER. 

Now… why I went to the ER, I’m not sure. Mostly because I was scared. I knew what had happened the second it happened. But they did the usual… no fractures (which I knew) and without being too mean, the doctor told me it could just be a sprain. Um… yeah, okay. It’s not a sprain. Lol. 

Cause you have to find the lighter side of things…

I am a positive person… I like to have fun. I can take any bad situation and find something good. My best friend is the same way so of course she had to snap a pic! I left the ER and called the orthopedic doctor immediately to schedule an appointment. Tomorrow. The appointment is tomorrow. Now, let me mention that I’m impatient. I’m like an engine. I’m constantly in the go. I hate to sit around and do nothing. I hate waiting. Get the point… I wanted to scream. For 24 hours, I Googled… which I DO NOT recommend. You will die if you Google. Word also travels fast and my phone was going all kinds of crazy with texts, snaps, messages from all my box friends and coworkers trying to find out what happened and what was wrong. Ugh… I don’t know, but I’m pretty sure it’s my Achilles. 

Cankles for days

Everyone tries to make you feel better… maybe it’s a sprain. Maybe it’s just partially torn. Maybe it’s just strained. I appreciated the optimism, but I also knew they were wrong. I knew exactly what had happened. So here I am. I have a ruptured Achilles’ tendon. My husband is going to have to do double the duties he normally does cause not only can I not walk on my foot… it’s my right foot and I can’t drive. My kids now have to pick up some slack and do stuff they usually rely on me for. I have to figure out how I’m going to manage at work as a teacher of 120 ten year olds, and everything I’ve worked so hard to achieve in the last year in crossfit is flushed down the toilet. 

But I refuse to feel sorry for myself. That’s not me. I refuse. So I’ll wait. I’ll be positive. And I am going to kick this injury in the ass.